Currently Listening Get Lifted By John Legend Lets Get Lifted/Used to Luv U/I Can Change/Ordinary People/So High see related

Its about time I vented, this time its much needed. I thought I could pass without writing, but then I found I missed its theraputic value. I have reached a breaking point. When I graduated from college, the objective was to go to community college for a couple years. Fine, not so difficult....that is if you are focused from the beginning, I, was not. It took a couple semesters to shake me into the right focus and when I got it, I took it and ran with it. I led study groups, I was focused and the light at the end of the tunnel seemed closer. Then we reached prison, all privileges revoked, the squeeze gets tighter. I'm starting to feel its to the point of suffocation, I feel like I have lost all control over the direction of my life at the moment. I can't socialize, I can't control my funds, nor can I choose my future with school. All decisions I should make as a normal 21 year-old are not in my hands. In our culture, you are supposed to do as your parents without too much argument, which up until this point, I didn't really have a problem keeping to that standard. This semester from its beginning has been a struggle, from being forced to come up with tuition two weeks before class started, being charged a non-negotiable rent rate while taking 12 credit hours, then being told to "get out" for talking back because I met up with a classmate for a textbook I had no use for. Don't forget the fact that while coughing up blood, my mother wanted to wait out my symptoms. There are too many actions I can't explain. My brother offered me to stay at his house in Minnesota, but that is one drastic move and I figured I could keep her under control and concentrate on finishing school, I was wrong. We went to VCU for an Open House about a month ago, I have a high enough GPA, I have enough credits, they might as well have told me I'm accepted....and what's holding me back? My mother, I can not do well under these circumstances and I can not get out of them. I feel trapped.

Currently Listening St. Elsewhere By Gnarls Barkley see related

I got a pleasant distraction, her name is Shayna. The friend zone means nothing to me. haha

Currently Listening Grind Date see related

You too old to still be sucking on the breast.
--Quote from me and my brother's conversation a couple nights ago, a much-needed dose of reality.

A couple weeks ago, when I came home from school one day, my mother told me that one of my aunts was in the hospital. The diagnosis: Diabetes, status: multiple bloodclots in her legs and other places and heart problems. That sunday we went to visit her after we came from church, she had been crying all day, miserable to the point where her husband's presence does nothing for her enthusiasm. She had this negative, detrimental attitude saying that if she were to die, it should all be blamed on her husband because he doesn't care about her. She basically was blaming her entire sickness on her husband. No one could tell her otherwise, and anyone who tried was considered opposition. Although a laughable and ignorant view of the situation, something about her point of view hit home. The cancerous view of life, that seemed to come with her ailments reminded me of me and my mother's relationship. I am woman in the hospital bed with the steadily-declining health blaming my condition on somebody else. I think my mother is smothering me, so I'm letting it affect my studies. I identified with her position, feeling I need to change my mentality in order to be successful. I even told of her of my revelation, hoping such thoughts would enable our animosity to make a u-turn. I WAS WRONG! I don't think I could be any more wrong. I can't leave the house without my mother thinking I'm "up to no good". I'm not paying for your school fees, she says you get your good grades and maybe I'll pay you back. Don't even think about telling your father about your unhappiness, you don't deserve to go out in the middle of the summer. No hanging out, your friends could be detrimental to your progress. No playing soccer, you are not ready for such an engagement of your time. I don't think you want to go to school, yet your grades are where they should be. Oh yeah, work can't be your escape either. I want you to work less, so it doesn't interfere with school, but at the same time you still have the same financial obligations, so you make less but I still want you to pull money out of your ass and don't understand when I can't. I want you to show me your paystubs, so I don't think you are wasting your money on clothes and sneakers, eventhough you don't have any money for it. Every girl I come into contact with I'm apparently fucking, because I hang out with them a lot, and they have ALL "pussy-whipped" me because I am somehow having ridiculous amounts of sex. I mean I don't wanna leave these circumstances because of how close I am to getting my Associate's Degree, I have two semesters left, it would almost be stupid to leave when you are so close. Just stick it out for another couple semesters and you will be out of that hellhole. There are so many options, the thing is they almost all lead to stopping school right in its tracks, but of course that would be in line with her assumption that I don't wanna go to school. Call a brother trapped, can barely concentrate on school cause his mother thinks he's a self-absorbed teenager with girls and partying on his mind, eventhough he has had no action with either of the aforementioned in over 6 months. I don't know how else to put it, but if there were another way to say 100% incorrect it would personify my mother. I can't transfer yet, my GPA isn't exactly where I want it to be [2.5], as it ranks on the grade point scale, it is mediocre. I am not a fan of mediocrity, I can't wait till I get myself out of this hole. The only way I can pull this off without my mother's help is determination and concentration. Next year, I WILL BE AT A UNIVERSITY. If you not gonna help me because I'm not doing my duties according to YOUR plan then I don't want you asking me questions about how I'ma pull it off, when I'm going to school, what hours I'm working. Charge me whatever more you think I should for being "disrespectful" from my questions, and fuck off, my anger will propel me back to my pedestal of greatness. May 2007, Thomas will graduate and nobody will stop him, not even his mother indirectly. No longer the timid boy that still supposedly lets people walk all over him, a better man has emerged. Enter the well-rounded, ambitious, smoothly dressed young man that will not be stopped by adversity.

Currently Listening Scarface By Scarface In Cold Blood/Guess Who's Back/On My Block see related

Another one of my friends has passed away this weekend. This one had nothing to do with drinking and driving. I get the feeling its not gonna hit me hard until tommorow at the funeral, that's how it always manages to happen. I see people we both knew and think of memories we had, and just burst out in tears. I never been one to hold back emotion in such situations. That whole "I'm a man, I don't cry when people close to my heart die" mentality doesn't hold any weight in my book. I don't care who's around, or why I began to cry, it just kinda happens. The boy had actually been in the hospital for about the past month, but I wasn't sure if there was truth behind the rumor or not, so I kinda didn't believe it. I was talking to one of my best friend's who had moved out of the area, and she just kinda randomly mentioned how Rashad got a tick bite, and in turn got Lyme disease and was in the hospital in a coma, and having seizures and all that negative business. She herself didn't seem to certain about it and she was asking me to check on it. On top of all that, to know someone who's always smiling and laughing and so full of energy, and all of a sudden hear that they are battling for their life is a shellshocking experience. It reallys bring to life the whole "life is short" euphemism people tend to use. As with the last friend that died so suddenly, I get this feeling of regret where I feel like I coulda been a whole lot closer than I was with that person. If I had just tried to get to know them better, we probably could have been best friends. I dunno if that's something pyschological, that hasn't been handled that keeps coming to mind or what but I know that's how I feel. I'm probably going to have a whole lot more to write about when I come back from his funeral so I'll write more when I get back. I know I'm going to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and it will be refreshing experience but at the same time, the circumstances aren't too attractive. I hope it doesn't hit me too hard.

Updated @ 11:46p

Stolen from Alisa:

1. Who's the last person you high-fived?
I don't really do high fives, do daps count?

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
I dunno...good question.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Sometimes, if I fall asleep on the couch...

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
Milk gives me gas, I only have it with cereal.

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Yep, second grade.

7. How fast can you type?
I dunno...who, other than professionals tryna get jobs would jus know information like that?

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
No.

9. Eye color?
Dark brown.

10. Worst fear?
Not getting out of Fredericksburg, being stuck in my mom's house my whole life for some reason, Not being able to buy sneakers ever again AND prolly losing anyone of my family members....

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
Yep.

23. Do you consider yourself successful?
Nowhere near it, jus a broke @$$ college student at the moment.

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
Umm yeah, you thought your contact list was crazy, try 228.

25. Have you ever asked for a pony?
Hell naw, what I look like asking for a damn pony, get the fuck outta here.

26. Plans for tomorrow?
Complete randomness, followed by work, also known as probably nothing.

27. Can you juggle?
A soccerball, ah ha, I found a loophole to your questioning, hehe.

28. Missing someone now?
Missing a couple actually, mostly girls....

29. When was the last time you told someone 'I love you'?
Prolly my mother and prolly a couple weeks ago, cause we've kinda been on bad terms as of recent.

31. How are you feeling today?
Gloomy, cause I went to a funeral, + happy I'm out of summer school + complacent because I'm still at Sears.

32. Do you like the color black?
Yes, but by some of my female friends, I've been grounded from buying it because my t-shirt drawer is dominated by black shirts. I'm working on variation.

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
I got ISS once for fighting.

34. What are you looking forward to?
Being away from home at VCU with my friends a year from now. & being 21 in a month.

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
FUCK no.

38. Can you handle the truth?
Yes, and I am fan of it ..... unless of course this is dealing with my mother then I prefer leaving the door open for speculation because she likes to blow things out of proportion.

39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
in my salad...but really if the egg is dyed green, it will still taste the same....so I don't see a problem here.

40. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Milk, Water, Ginger Ale, Jelly, Juice of some sort, umm...that's all I can think of....

41. Any cool scars?
Is there really a such thing as a "cool scar"? They all look rather ugly. but yeah to answer the question, right on the ankle, fell off a bike as a child, right shin, kicked in the shin by metal soccer cleats, one on each elbow, for being foolish enough to climb through the tire room like a monkey instead of using a ladder.

42. Do you have a crush on anyone?
at the moment, yes. I think she has one on me too BUT she has a complacent boyfriend with no job, that isn't going anywhere....

43. Do you like children?
Yes, it allows me let out my inner child by mocking the little booger's movements, they find that so amusing.

44. What do you do when no one is watching?
Pick my nose. I jus thought it would be the greatest answer....but scratch my ass because it be hurting sometimes when the boo-boo be coming out all awkwardly....

45. What is one thing a special someone complimented you about?
I can't remember, I haven't had a special someone for quite some time now.

46. Do you talk to yourself?
Not really.

47. Do you like dancing?
I LOVE dancing. [me too]

48. Is there something you want that you can't have?
Yes, a certain girl, and some freedom.

49. Two things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
Curves and a personality...not a stank one neither....

50. What are you thinking about right now?
How the hell I'ma get to NY for my birthday....

51. Who did you last talk to on the phone?
Ray.

52. Where is your phone?
on the charger.

53. What was the last thing you ate?
4 courses of food at Golden corral.

54. What is your favorite color?
pink

55. What is the last movie you watched?
ATL, damn I luv me some NuNu, she could get it, I think she is my new celebrity crush.

56. What song do you currently hear?
The Air Conditioner...

57. What do you want?
A life.